Select readings from Story of a Soul chapters 4, 5, and 6
37.Therese continues to describe her experience of late childhood and her time in school surrounded by peers with whom she struggled to identify. “I didn’t know how to enter in games of my grade level.” Instead she stood at a distance from her classmates while they played and leaned against a tree studying her surroundings and giving herself over to “serious reflections.” From a tender age Therese was quite pensive and deeply immersed in her own inner world. One of the things she busied herself with while her classmates played was burying little birds that she found dead underneath the trees.
38.Therese also delighted in making up and telling elaborate stories. She found that her stories amused her classmates. They gathered round and listened attentively as she told stories that she could elongate for days at a time. P. 125
39.Therese discovered in this period of her life that she loved in a way that was deeper and more expansive than her peers, thus she often felt misunderstood by them. They did not return her love, or so she thought, and seemingly did not relate to the way she intuited God’s love flowing through all things and people. Thus, again, Therese turned inward. She developed a prayer based relationship with her deceased siblings with whom she engaged in loving conversation.
40.Therese also went through a lengthy period (18 months) during which she was plagued by “scruples” as a result of the teaching a priest offered during her preparation for confirmation. P. 129 His teaching was on the subjects of hell, sin, and judgment. Following her exposure to such Therese was tormented by what sounds to me like intrusive thoughts the content of which was guilt, remorse, and a burdensome sense of her own sinfulness. She describes this period as exceedingly painful.
41.P.139 Therese turns to her deceased siblings now resident in heaven to help her with her scruples…. “Soon peace came to inundate my soul with its delightful waves, and I knew then that if I was loved on earth, I was also loved in heaven.
42.Therese begins chapter 5 (page 151) with a self-reflective description of her neediness, touchiness, her need to grow up. The maturity, humility and forthrightness with which she reflects on her defects of character is inspiring and puts one very much in the mind of the “work” of the first 3 mansions of St. Teresa of Avila’s Interior Castle. Here are three illuminating quotes from this section of chapter 5:
“I wasn’t accustomed to doing things for myself.”
“I was really unbearable because of my extreme touchiness.”
“ God would have to work a little miracle to make me grow up in an instant, and this miracle He performed on that unforgettable Christmas day.”
43.Therese then goes on to describe what she considers the pivotal turning point in her path to spiritual and emotional maturity. The Christmas custom in the Martin home was not unlike our custom of filling stockings with gifts for children to open on Christmas morning. The difference being that they filled the children’s shoes with Christmas gifts. It used to delight Louise Martin to watch his children pour through the gifts left in their shoes. He got particular joy out of watching his youngest, Therese, erupt with happiness at the special Christmas custom. However, on Christmas day in 1886 when Therese was nearly 14 years old her father, tired after a long day and just returned home from midnight mass, said, “Well, fortunately, this will be the last year!”
44.Therese overheard this exclamation from her father and found herself devastated. However, something happened to her in the moments following ....”I felt charity enter into my soul, and the need to forget myself and to please others; since then I’ve been happy!”
45.Shortly thereafter Therese felt a deep inner compulsion to pray for sinners that none might “fall into hell.” She heard about a terrible, murderous criminal, Henry Pranzini, who was sentenced to death for his crimes. She began to pray that he would repent with great sincerity and devotion. He seems to have done so right before he was executed. She considered this a sign from God to her which affirmed her call to think less of herself and more of how she could be helpful to God for the sake of others. This puts one in the mind of Etty Hillesum who said, God, I know that I must show myself willing to be helpful to you instead of asking you to help me. It is interesting, significant, and instructive that Therese does not spend any time thinking or talking in a condemnatory way about Panzini’s crimes, rather she devotes herself to praying that he ask God for mercy and forgiveness. She leaves much up to God and simply does what is hers to do. This is the path of the saints and mystics.
46.At this point - 14 years old - Therese entered into a state of deep joy. She was high, in a manner of speaking, on her new found freedom from self and experienced unmediated intimacy with God. p. 160 “For me God was using no intermediary, He was acting directly!”
47.Therese then entered a period of struggle during which she felt called by God to enter religious life at Carmel, but was repeatedly denied entry by those in authority. She received support from her father and from Pauline, but her uncle and the clergy and bishop in authority said, No. They each told her that she was too young. During this period she entered into a 3 day period of extreme desolation which she described as a “dark night of the soul.”
48.This stretch of a Story of a Soul is a piercing description of the spiritual journey as a series of progressions and setbacks. Three steps forward four steps backward. Therese describes it in this way, “The more I approached the goal, the more I saw my affairs all mixed up. My soul was plunged into bitterness but into peace too, for I was seeking God’s will.” Bitterness and peace produce an appropriate fecund tension which almost inevitably leads to growth. P. 176
49.Chapter 6 finds Therese describing a trip to Rome during which she had an audience with the pope. She traveled on this diocesan pilgrimage with her father and her sister, Celine. From here her journey into the depth of her calling progresses rather quickly. Her difficulties are not over, but her goal, entrance into Carmel, is in sight.
50.P. 194 - On the way to Rome the pilgrimage saw many sights including a breathtaking tour of the marvelous beauty of Switzerland. Therese writes, “I understood how easy it is to become all wrapped up in self, forgetting entirely the sublime goal of one’s calling.” Her selfishness is being dismantled by God as she continually submits herself to the trials of life with grit and grace.
51.Pages 196-202 are delightful reading as they recount the joyful adventures of two close sisters, Therese and Celine, exploring the sights with daring exuberance.
52.On the day they had an audience with the pope the pilgrims were told that they were forbidden to speak to the pope if each of them did it would take too long and he would not be able to see everyone in line. Therese however knew she must. Celine confirmed her intuition saying to her simply, Speak! Thus this exchange unfolded between the little flower and the Holy Father:
She said, Most Holy Father, I have a great favor to ask you!
He lowered his head toward her and their eyes met
She said, “Holy Father in honor of your jubilee, permit me to enter Carmel at the age of fifteen!”
He replied, Go….go…you will enter if God wills it!”
53.This was NOT the YES that Therese was anticipating and so hoping for. She found herself both experiencing a deep peace and a terrible grief. She cried the rest of the day, a day on which the sun did not come out in Rome.
54.P. 207 - Therese conjures up a marvelous metaphor for her experience of being rejected from entrance into Carmel. She describes herself not as a valuable toy, but a little plaything or a little ball, insignificant and taken up by Jesus for his amusement then cast aside and forgotten. She imagines that she is being tested. What is she made of? Will she give up hope? “I never ceased hoping against all hope.”
55.One can’t help but remember at this point that both her parents were turned away from religious life in the convent and monastery.
56.P. 209 “joy isn’t found in the material objects surrounding us but in the inner recesses of the soul.”
57.“All my hope was in God alone.” p. 211 All her ups and downs seem to have weaned her off worldly hope and consolation and landed her in total God-dependence.
58.Page 213 - she wrote to the bishop asking for permission to enter Carmel. She went to the post office day after day, always disappointed that his reply had not arrived.
59.Therese longed to be given permission to enter the Carmel by Christmas Day 1887, but this was not to be. Page 214 - “The beautiful feast of Christmas arrived and Jesus did not awaken. He left His little ball on the ground without so much as casting a glance at it.”
60.Then finally she was notified on New Year’s Day 1888 that she would be granted entrance after the Lenten fast. She had only to wait 3 more months. At first she was tearful and anguished about the wait, but eventually she found the time to be a gift filled with “sweet memories.” p. 216